Wednesday, June 18, 2014

My little peanut turns 2

At this time 2 years ago, I had a group of dr's surrounding me as I went into full panic mode. They could not continue forward with the surgery until I calmed down. After the talks from a special person and a butt load of anti-anxiety medication via IV, I remember my husband walking in with his medical attire on.. Moments later a beautiful angel was born. I didn't even see any imperfections.  All i could see was perfection.  When I heard her cry, the whole world seemed to sit still. God is great. What we once were told would never happen, did.  She made it.

I have received messages from other mother's of trisomy children (living or passed) that have followed Ava's blog.  They all ask the same questions, does it get easier? What is it like having a baby after losing a child? Do you try to forget everything and move forward? To answer these questions in short form, I don't know if it gets easier. I do have a new baby that helps to take my focus off of the loss of Ava Grace, but that doesn't mean her being gone is any easier. Mason is our rainbow baby.  The beauty after the storm. It doesn't mean the storm didn't happen. It just shows what awesomeness God has for us after we weather the rain. Yes, I felt incredibly guilty when we found out we were pregnant with Mason because I didn't want the pain in my heart for Ava to be replaced by happiness with Mason. You know what though, I must have a huge heart because I've managed to make room for both. Although, I have since let go of all of the "mad feelings" and have replaced them with all the small, happy memories with Ava Grace. I think Ava would be in love with Mason just as much as we are. When I allow myself to slow down and think of what she would look like or run across a 2 year old picture of myself, I wonder if she'd look like me. Especially since my other children look like their daddy. It's still hard  and yes Birthday's and angelversaries suck (for us, but not her).  I WILL NEVER TRY TO FORGET AVA or the events that took place up to or after her birth. I will move on because nothing I can do in this lifetime will ever bring her back. Her adventure molded me into who I am and my husband into who he is. Our family is forever changed, but our only option is to move forward. She moves with us too. 

This is our second year to celebrate the life of Ava Grace in a small party, just as a birthday party. No gifts are brought, but we celebrate with cake and send up love to the Heavens. It warms my heart to know my baby girl, even though born two years ago, is still remembered and her loved ones take time to celebrate her existance. I'm not sure how many more times we will do this, but it is part of my acceptance and a small reason to gather family and friends close, just as Ava got to enjoy for a short while.

I think today, I will open one of the bags that her hats that she wore are in, just so I can smell her again. Please keep our family in your prayers today as we turn a page in our book for another year of missing part of our heart. Today, as we celebrate her life being surrounded by family and friends, Ava still lives.  She lives within us, in the air, in the ladybugs we see, in our speech, in our memories and in our future.
We still have all the cards from Landon's class when she was in the hospital.  Washington School rocks! Can you find her?

She had her papaw's heart <3

Aunt Lili and cousin love

Great grand, priceless picture!

Lolli and AG

AG was amazed by this little beauty

Yes we can both smile for the camera

God only knows the blessing he made for us when he introduced Jennifer Rutledge and Mandie Vowell into our lives. You ladies captured moments that have turned into lasting memories. We love you from the bottom to the top of our hearts!

Meme kisses

Oh Aunt Landry, I won't hurt you. I love you.

Gigi heart to heart

I see 3 full hearts in this picture


God loves. I can see it in this picture. 


Happy beyond measures at the blessing before us

Shhhhhh. Birthday princess sleeping.

yep! She stole his heart.

Saying our night prayers.

The HOPE and the Fight live on in our hearts.

My sweet little man sharing with his sister. He didn't ever understand why she couldn't have any.

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