Dear Ava Grace

My Dear Ava Grace, Today I still had not snapped out of my disappointment that I felt from yesterday. I woke up to two beautiful, healthy brothers of yours. They wake me up most every morning by crawling into bed with me, if they aren't already there. Don't worry, I have you a nice little spot right between me and daddy. Safe from all of the world and protected as you shall be. I did my normal routine, get ready for work, get your brothers ready, take them to their destination and off to work I went. A few of my concerned co-workers asked about you and how your appointments went yesterday. I described our visit in short details and even the little misunderstanding your dad and I had. I still could not talk about all the things entailed with meeting the palliative care team without crying. My heart is just sad. My work day is only a half day today and as I was leaving I decided to call your great grandma Betty. She is a God fearing Christian with a heart of gold. I feel that there are not many people that are a REAL as she is and as good of a lady. I explained to her all the changes in diagnosis that the new perinatologist gave us and how most of the initial devastations had been eliminated. All but one. The t18 was still very much present and would not be changing. I explained to her how all of the physicians and counselors drilled into mommy's head that you would not make it and that your quality and quantity of life would be extremely poor if you made it past a week. They want us to plan your funeral. Although, I have to admit, after the first dr's appointment and how they made it sound that if I have you inside me for another week then I am blessed, I already had. I have a list of how things should be, in my eyes, for your funeral. Your great grandmother gave me a verbal kick in the pants and explained to me that all of the things the MD's are saying are blessings. She says that I should be thankful that the Lord is giving us small blessings to help hold on to our faith in you. She says take one day at a time and treasure the moments I have with you. I truly am trying baby. I want you to know that. It is hard for me to think of just one day without you or that any move I make could be my last with you. I live in fear. Fear of the loss, fear of the pain, fear of you not knowing exactly how much your daddy andI love you. Your oldest brother, Landon, had to leave for his daddy's house today and he told everyone bye, even you. He kissed my belly and told you "bye Ava Grace". You are already so real to us and the thought that this house may never be graced with your presence is all to frightening and tramatizing to me/us. I won't ask the Lord "why?", because I know he has a plan. I know that he is going to use this experience (regardless of your outcome) to the good of us. I also know that He can take much better care of you, than I ever can or will. That does not mean mommy won't give or do anything for you. In Christ, you are whole. You will not suffer and you will dance amongst angels. A fantastic preacher told us that there is no reason for you to be baptized, because you could not be more perfect in His eyes as a child and that you will not know what is going on anyway. I have to say that I still want this for you. I want to be present and holding you when you are baptized unlike your moma has been. I want to know that you are cleansed. I'm oh so confused baby girl. I look up for direction and pray more often than I ever have, but still feel like I am not enjoying my time with you. I am greedy and want more with you. I am ashamed of that, but proud at the same time. Do you see me chasing my own tail like a puppy? A puppy that you may never get to have. Oh the things I want you to experience and have. How do I do that for you? Is it meant to be? Just know that you are my baby girl. The one I have wanted for so long and the one I will love and cherish forever. You have made and filled a place in my heart that nothing or nobody can ever take away from me. I will try to be stronger for you and try to fight harder for you, just as you are fighting right now. I will try to not focus on what I don't or won't have with you and try to focus on what I have presently. You and the Lord are my strength. I will do anything for you. I will carry you as long as I can and pray for you daily. You are mommy's angel and for now I have you here on earth with me. That is more than most will ever have. Some do not have the chance to watch their baby grown in their body or form the bond that you and I have. For this I am truly blessed. I promise you that I will try to be a better person in the Lord's name. Mommy has strong love for the Lord, just as you will. I will continue to read to you and sing to you. Your brother's like this too, even though mommy's singing voice is less that average. I love that you kick me when I cry. This is your little way of letting me know that you are kicking me into gear and the right frame of mind. I love you and even if the Lord takes you tonight, please know that you will never be forgotten or replaced. You have mommy's heart and love baby girl. You are my sunshine. I love you. Mommy