Reality Sets In

So, after a long trip to NYC (thanks to my mother in law), I am back to the Delta and back to reality. Oh did I mention that while in NYC, I had my purse stole with everything I own in it, including $1000 cash and a new camera?! On the way back, I received a email from a friend of mine that gave me her birth plan from Baptist in Jackson. She too, had a Trisomy 18 baby and was given the same prognosis. I have been wanting to see this plan since I spoke with her last. This, to me, was some direction and gave me something to plan on. For everyone who knows me, knows that I am a big "planner". I have always been one who likes to know what to expect and when to expect it. So, this birth plan, was a tenative guideline to what was to come, if my baby girl makes it to birth. This also, made me aware that there are many things I have yet to plan. I in turn, called my previous co-worker and asked her what pediatric hospice care do they recommend. Many of you may see this as sad, but the thought of being able to bring my baby girl home brings comfort to me. I spoke with a hospice agency that says they "deal with pediatrics" and this was comforting at first to think that there was someone in Greenville that did this. I am sorry, but I know that when it comes to my children and emergency situation, I may not be able to completely impliment all of my nursing skills to their full advantage. This is another thing that I pray for, strength wise.

After yesterday and visiting with this hospice agency, I am not sold on the idea of this particular agency. The director seemed so sweet, but the fact that there is a limited nursing staff, scares me. Really limited!!! I am still searching for a pediatric home health/hospice available in this area as of now.

 My heartache started last night when my oldest, Landon, overheard me talking to Lauren and telling her that we did not want the baby to suffer and we wanted her to go in peace. We were talking about choosing heroic measures or comfort care (which is what we will have to tell the dr on our next visit). Landon came in after my call ended and said "Moma, I agree with you, I want her to go peacefully too and not hurt". OMGosh, a 8 year old saying this to me? What was he feeling? I knew at this time, I needed to sit him down and tell him everything, as I did. He was saddend by all the news and even though I thought I was protecting him by not telling him, he suprizingly seemed relieved to know the whole truth. As he walked out of the room, I cried again.

Today, I walked into the daycare to drop Trace off and as I was walking out, a newborn baby girl was being picked up from her carrier to be handed off to the daycare worker. I instantly started crying before I ever could put my hand on the door. All I could think about was how unfair this is! I know that I should not question the Lord, and I do know that He has a greater plan than even I can see, but pure jealousy kicked in. All I could think about was how I would never get to see my baby girl walk, talk, play sports, get married or anything like this! How could this be? I have waited so long to have a little girl, with the cute little girly name, girly outfits, pigtails, mother-daughter talks, fighting over the wrong choices in boys, etc. I sat in my truck, waiting for the tears to pass and instantly went into the "sad/mad mode". I drove to work and proceeded to listen to Jeans for Genes on the radio. I started googling preemie outfits and the first thing that came up was bereavement gowns. Is this a sign of what is yet to come? I kept looking at this page in disbelief. I found the perfect gown for the wrong occassion. How unnatural it is to be planning a funeral before the birth of my own child?  <Crying again> How could I miss a princess that I haven't even lost yet? I know there are miracles that the Lord performs everyday, but today I am not feeling that warm sensation in my heart. I hang on to all the verses in the Bible that gives me hope and I read or recite them to myself multiple times during the day, but they are not helping today. Where is my strength? Where is my comfort? Where is my hope? Today I miss it all as much as I am missing my unborn child.

I have cried so many times today that the bottom of my eyes are sore to touch and my once waterproof eyeliner couldn't even withstand. I am lost. I have not felt this way in a long time. What I used to find OVERjoyment in, is now just a dull warmth in my broken heart. I know that we are going to see the pediatric cardiologist and prenatal specialist next Thursday, but right now, I do not feel any positiveness coming out of their visit. Bryan and I have discussed going to get a second opinion and I know that I want to, but what are they going to tell me different? I want to know that I have done all that I can for my little girl before I give up and I guess today is just a weak day for me. Praying for the strength I never knew I had and the understanding to accept the things I can not change.

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us the assurance about the things we can not see".  Hebrews 11:1